Hey Family. While we'd love to call everyone, we thought it would be easier to send an email so everyone has the same info. :) This is written from my point of view, but I think Tyler echoes my sentiments, and if he has anything to add, I'll let him do that.
We took Seth to a family counselor yesterday (the same one I saw when I was in grief counseling). Seth was officially diagnosed with ADHD. His whole diagnosis is ADHD predominately Hyperactive - Impulsivity with Inattentive tendencies. This is, of course, a life long diagnosis. As the counselor said, we'll help him cope, but we can't make it disappear. I'm simultaneously discouraged and relieved. We have a very long road ahead of us. And yet, now that he has an official diagnosis on record, we can make sure he gets the treatment and considerations he needs at home, school and church.
This is a long email. I apologize, but it really can't be helped.
First, this is a disorder. It's a disease, and there's nothing he can do about it. It's not who he is, it's something he'll have to learn to deal with. He inherited the disorder from a parent. And his adhd creates chaos in the entire household. Geoff (the counselor) said his grad professor taught them if you diagnose one member of the family with adhd, you diagnose the whole family. So there are times when we're just crazy and I'm at my wits end, and Geoff said, if that's how you feel parenting him, just imagine what it's like for Seth.
Seth will have to be on meds before school. He'll need them to be able to sit and focus. Geoff said he knows people are wary of medicating young children, but this is an actual disease. There is a problem in his brain. And to say he doesn't need meds is like saying I don't need glasses, even though I clearly do. The meds will help so that his brain isn't working so hard to keep up with itself. At the moment, the different areas of his brain can't communicate with each other because they're moving so quickly, but at different speeds. With meds, it'll be able to work together in its separate functions. So we'll have to start the process of finding his right meds and dosages soon.
He needs a set schedule every day, and he needs to be able to know what the schedule is. So Geoff recommended putting up a big poster with the days and times and activities of every day. It's also a good idea for Seth to have a personal helper for his primary class.
There is so much to learn. We've bought a book that'll be here soon and until then we're going to do a lot of online research on the subject.
I'm glad we finally have some answers. I don't get mad at him anymore, but knowing he can't help it doesn't make it any less frustrating. :) The thing that has been so hard is that we've been watching him, suspecting this for years, but no one took us seriously. And now Seth is five and everyone thinks he's a naughty, disobedient, rambunctious kid. But he's not. He's a caring, thoughtful, smart, loving, tender boy, and very few people get to experience it. I just want people to know the boy we love. I'm tired of defending him and disciplining him and apologizing for him and trying to hide him. I'm just tired.
Geoff did mention it's imperative that I get time away, alone. Tyler is always so supportive of me in that regard! I go out with friends once or twice a month, and he's always supportive. But he and I rarely go out because we're so concerned about Seth's behavior that we don't like getting babysitters. Geoff suggested getting two sitters. One for Seth, one for Abs. Interesting thought that we'll have to consider.
This is a long email. I apologize, but it really can't be helped.
First, this is a disorder. It's a disease, and there's nothing he can do about it. It's not who he is, it's something he'll have to learn to deal with. He inherited the disorder from a parent. And his adhd creates chaos in the entire household. Geoff (the counselor) said his grad professor taught them if you diagnose one member of the family with adhd, you diagnose the whole family. So there are times when we're just crazy and I'm at my wits end, and Geoff said, if that's how you feel parenting him, just imagine what it's like for Seth.
Seth will have to be on meds before school. He'll need them to be able to sit and focus. Geoff said he knows people are wary of medicating young children, but this is an actual disease. There is a problem in his brain. And to say he doesn't need meds is like saying I don't need glasses, even though I clearly do. The meds will help so that his brain isn't working so hard to keep up with itself. At the moment, the different areas of his brain can't communicate with each other because they're moving so quickly, but at different speeds. With meds, it'll be able to work together in its separate functions. So we'll have to start the process of finding his right meds and dosages soon.
He needs a set schedule every day, and he needs to be able to know what the schedule is. So Geoff recommended putting up a big poster with the days and times and activities of every day. It's also a good idea for Seth to have a personal helper for his primary class.
There is so much to learn. We've bought a book that'll be here soon and until then we're going to do a lot of online research on the subject.
I'm glad we finally have some answers. I don't get mad at him anymore, but knowing he can't help it doesn't make it any less frustrating. :) The thing that has been so hard is that we've been watching him, suspecting this for years, but no one took us seriously. And now Seth is five and everyone thinks he's a naughty, disobedient, rambunctious kid. But he's not. He's a caring, thoughtful, smart, loving, tender boy, and very few people get to experience it. I just want people to know the boy we love. I'm tired of defending him and disciplining him and apologizing for him and trying to hide him. I'm just tired.
Geoff did mention it's imperative that I get time away, alone. Tyler is always so supportive of me in that regard! I go out with friends once or twice a month, and he's always supportive. But he and I rarely go out because we're so concerned about Seth's behavior that we don't like getting babysitters. Geoff suggested getting two sitters. One for Seth, one for Abs. Interesting thought that we'll have to consider.
Here are some of Seth's symptoms of ADHD. He interrupts at random times with random things. He makes noises - often loud noises - all the time. He's not really aware he's doing it most of the time. He's high energy. He doesn't hear instructions. He's forgetful. He's distracted. He can't follow through with multiple step instructions. He will ask the same question multiple times because he's forgotten the answer. (For example, "Can I have a piece of candy?" "No." seconds later, "Now can I have a piece of candy?" "No, candy." "Ok. (pause) Can I have a piece of candy?" and thus it continues until I get so frustrated I yell, and then he cries because he's not sure why he's in trouble.) He has trouble focusing when being talked to directly and struggles maintaining eye contact, though not for lack of trying. He fidgets and can't sit still for extended periods of time. (Church is often difficult.) He has emotional outbursts which include shrieking and crying resulting from something seemingly insignificant.
And so on. :)
So what can you do for us? Be patient. With Seth, with us, with our household. :) Know that Seth isn't a bad kid. Try not to get angry at him when he has a hard time listening. He's not doing it on purpose. There may be times when we have to do things a little differently than you'd expect with a "normal" kid. For example, we won't be able to say, "Go clean up the toys." Because he won't be able to do it. We will have to go in, sit with him, and help him clean up a mess. Just be aware we may have to make special rules or exceptions with Seth while still maintaining boundaries. That means, yeah, he's rambunctious, but no, we are not going to allow him to be crazy or violent. He still has to follow the rules. He still has to have good manners. He still needs to learn to be a decent human being. In our opinion, his ADHD is not an excuse to let him run free and say, "Oh, that's just his ADHD." But it does give us permission to change how we're parenting and not feel judged or embarrassed.
Also, because he needs a set schedule and predictability, know that whenever you see him, he'll be over stimulated since he's in an "out of the routine" activity (even if it's just family dinner). That means we'll just have to work a little harder to help his brain figure out how to deal with the extra stimuli.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I probably won't know the answers, but I'm still learning. :)
Love,
Deborah
Love,
Deborah
